My husband, Jay and I are late 30’s and have known each other since we were 16 years old. Neither of us are angels as we have both “sown our wild oats”. We dated as high school students and broke up due to regular juvenile issues of my father being so strict and my not being able to go out like he was able to do. My husband had no parental guidance and had a mother who would slip him valium at the age of 8 so he would go to sleep and she could stay up and party. We both lost a parent at the age of 14. His being his father who was a biker and died in a motorcycle accident, mine was my mother who died after a 5 year battle with cancer. We had a lot in common in that we had both suffered a loss so early in life and were both angry at the world, but at the same time we grew up totally different. My father is a respected school teacher and never did drugs a day in his life. His mother was a “hippie” who believed in free love to the extent she gained quite a reputation and did not have any morals to keep her from having sex with her son’s friends when she was the same age I am now and the boys were only 14-16 years old (pedophile?) and she is still an addict and a shoplifter. Where I am going with this is… Through our lives, we “grew up together”. After we broke up at 16, I started to date a mutual friend of ours at age 17. Through the years Jay and I remained friends as did he and Will, who is now my ex husband-Will. Will and I were together from that time on and I got pregnant at age 23. We got married because we thought that was the right thing to do. I had our beautiful son at age 24 but by the time I was 27, we were divorced. He cheated on me repeatedly and became very mentally and physically abusive. I had enough finally and kicked him out. I found out after our divorce was final that one of the women he had slept with was Jay’s wife. I told Jay. He and I had an affair during that time, but I was not looking to jump back into anything serious and he was still married to her and wanted to make it work. I went on with my life as did he. In 2000, I had just broken up with my now ex-fiance, and was ready to move on with my life. Will, my ex came by to pick up our son (by this time we had worked through our issues and are now able to be civil as this is what is the right thing to do with our son and we get along better now than we ever did… we have grown up). He informed me that Jay and his wife were divorcing and he knew I had always cared for him and he was really depressed and could use some cheering up.. basically giving his blessing. Weird huh?
I called Jay and told him I would like to meet up one night and get a drink or something. We did and he asked me to move in 8 months later. We lived together for 4.5 years before we married. During the first few years, we would go out and kick up our heels on the weekends that we did not have our children. In 2002, an old “acquaintance”, “Helen” of his came forward and took him to court to prove he was the father of her child. He was found to be the paternal father…(I must mention that she is part of the reason his first marriage broke up). The child was from a one night fling in 1993. She was sleeping with multiple men at that time and thought someone else may be the father and did not want Jay in the child’s life no matter what. She came back into his life in 1998-99 and was causing problems between he and his wife. She acted like her friend and then stabbed her in the back by trying to break up their marriage. After their divorce, the two befriended each other and came up with a scheme to break Jay and I up by using the child. Which is how the paternity test came into play. At that time, he told her that he would do whatever needed to be done and if the boy wanted to have him in his life he would do what he could for him, but that she was not a part of his life and would not be any longer. She told him at that time that the child did not know him and she did not want anything from him nor did she want him involved in the child’s life. You see, Jay is an alcoholic and was addicted to pills (lortab, xanax, etc.). Yes, I know this is a lot, but I haven’t gotten to the point yet, I just want to lay the ground work so you will understand. Helen (I’ll call her). That was in 2002. Now, 6 years later, she has contacted Jay’s mother, and wants Jay to be in her son’s life. He wants to be in his life, as we have recently started going to church and have been trying to get our lives on the right track after all the alcohol and addiction problems, I have stayed by his side. I love my husband and have been through hell and back. His mother is part of the problem as she is still on pills and this is where he was getting his “supply”. She is in no way supportive toward us as I do not approve of who and how she is. She is not a good influence in Jay’s life and she has done nothing to help him. Only hurt him. But she is his mother and he does still love her. So, I have kept my mou
So, I have kept my mouth shut and put up with more than my share of BS from her. She knows how I feel and has been trying to persuade Jay to look at Helen in a different light as they have a child together. She and Helen have been going shopping together and spending time together, nothing to do with the child, they are scheming. She even called me and told me Helen confided that she still cares about Jay and that she always will. Helen will not let Jay go and pick up the child, she wants him to come and sit at her house. I do not approve of this as I don’t feel that he has any business at her home unless it is to pick up the child and take him back after his visit. I allowed her to bring the child to my home and we all set in the living room while he gets to know Jay and I. I told Helen that he should get to know both of us, as we are a family and he will be a part of our family should this be his choice. She however, seems to think she is a part of this too.
She however, seems to think she is a part of this too. She is not a part of our family. Never will be. She has proven she cannot be trusted and that she has no qualms as to trying to break up a marriage. I feel she is trying to disrupt our marriage and is using the child to do so. And Jay’s mother is helping in this. She even brought the harlot to our church one Sunday (she does not even go to our church). I feel she is trying to break up our marriage / cause problems. I could make one phone call and have his mother put in jail as she is on parole for drug charges and I know she is still doing drugs. She also still shoplifts. But… this is Jay’s mother and I don’t want to hurt him by doing this. Helen is trying to get close to her to get to Jason and make a place for herself for our family. I don’t trust her to be alone with my husband and no, I don’t trust my husband to be alone with her.
As I said we have been through hell with addiction and he has lied so many times and I am still working on trust issues. I want him to be happy, but I deserve to be happy too. I have supported him in every way through his recovery, and I have supported his decision to have a place in this child’s life. I think he should. But where is the line to be drawn when it comes to Jay’s mother and Helen? How can I trust such a woman and how can I put a stop to all the BS they are trying to pull? If I got rid of his mother (had her arrested through parole violation) I feel like this would put a stop to the control Helen is gaining. I even asked my husband if his mother plans on inviting Helen to holiday gatherings, because is she does we aren’t going. I know stubborn on my part, but this is getting ridiculous. She is not a part of the family. I am. Yet his mother is trying to push me out because I have threatened her if she gives my husband pills again. What am I supposed to do? How do I deal?
I don’t need your smartass remarks. I need some honest mature advice. I need input from someone not involved in this situation because I don’t know where to turn. I don’t need a review of my writing or how long it is. I know I wrote alot, but to explain the whole situation, I needed to explain the history. Sorry you don’t like the fact that you had to read. I am just trying to be thorough. Please only answer if you have some common sense and not smartass remarks.
Gosh!..this is a lot to swallow. I can see you have good intentions, you are concerened, and you are considerate……unfortunatelly, at this time, you are a victim of circumstances. This two women that are making your life miserable are…please excuse what I’m gonna say…scum bags!…and it would be easy to get rid of them if they were not the mother of your husband and the mother of your husband’s child. What is left to do?….make sure your husband knows exactly how you feel….be intelligent about the whole situation….don’t loose your cool and be the smart one of the group by staying composed, dignified, strong, and have God as your allied, do a lot of praying and Bible reading….it has worked for me…after a while and before you know it things have a way of resolving and settling…..I think your husband can see that you are a good, well intended person who is being loyal to him…and if I were you, I will not be afraid that that scum bag will still your husband (because your husband realizes what type of person she is). As far as you mother-in-law, I would totally ignore her and just try to stay away from her as much as you can….good luck.
